Pondering the emotional needs of toddlers and teenagers...

I am finding that parenting The Raven now is in many ways very much like parenting the boys when they were small. She needs so much that they no longer need, and that Za Boo needed for longer, but no longer needs at the age she is now. I am as tired, cranky and exhausted some days as I was when I had two boys under three and was emotionally responsible for three people, rather than just myself.

I guess that's the thing that many people don't understand; it's hard to do this not because she is a teenager now, but because she is a toddler now, and a teenager at the same time.

I have a friend who is having a hard time adjusting to the changes in our family; she is, in a word, jealous. I didn't recognize it right away, and couldn't articulate it well after I realized it initially, but she is, basically, jealous of the time parenting The Raven takes away from time she and I had been spending together, before The Raven became a part of our family. We were both at the place where certain aspects of parenting were becoming less hands on, the kids were working on being more independent, and our ability to be "grown-ups" more often had expanded. With the addition of Raven to our family that has definitely changed.

I remember being loathe to leave the boys, and later Za Boo, when they were fairly small, and still very dependent. They just needed ME to be around, at home, available, because they MIGHT need me. I remember the first time I went to Jury Duty, when Za Boo was old enough to have stopped nursing (I had requested, and received, a postponement a number of times, because I always seemed to be called right after having one of the kids!), and the kids were beside themselves with concern about how things would work without me. Not that they didn't trust their Papa to handle things, but there were certain things that I did, and they could not comprehend how the Papa would figure them out: "Will Papa know where the lunch is?" asked Za Boo, "Will he know how I eat my sandwich?" "Will he know how to pick us up from school?" Monkey Boy needed to know, "Did you tell Papa what time school is out? Will he forget to come get Monkey Boy and me, because he is used to being at work all day?" Ender worried.
They just needed ME, because I was the one who was always there, I was the one who KNEW all the things they needed to be sure were known. They were dependent on me for their emotional grounding, and, despite having now grown to a place where they are very capable of being responsible for their own emotional grounding, they will often still need that from me. However, it is no longer a constant need, and it is no longer an absolute hindrance, or something that may cause a state near panic, when I am not immediately available for such; in fact, I have seen the Boys, being the older of the three I have raised since birth, make a choice to find their emotional grounding inside themselves at times, because they have matured to that degree.
Which is a place where The Raven will, now that she has the opportunity, eventually be able to grow to as well, but is not, at this point, ready to do. Or even, really, capable of doing. No one ever did it for her when she needed it before now; there was no emotional ground that was safe, secure, and unconditionally available to her. She is working through a phase now that a large number of children go through in toddlerhood--discovering that there is an unconditional safety net, testing the net, and then trying their wings out OVER said net, in order to experiment safely. And, then, eventually, venturing out past the net, but always knowing that it is there, to return to, if you need it.
Right now she is like a toddler, needing that constant reassuring presence of an emotionally grounded safety net, and not being ready, willing, or able, to begin venturing out over it quite yet.