What's simple about being a parent? Enjoying and loving my kids.
What's hard about being a parent? Nearly everything, nearly all the time.
What's worth it? All of them. Ender, Za Boo, Monkey Boy, and Raven.
Thank you
7 months ago
Showing posts with label PARENTING. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PARENTING. Show all posts
Monday, January 24, 2011
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Pondering the emotional needs of toddlers and teenagers...
I am finding that parenting The Raven now is in many ways very much like parenting the boys when they were small. She needs so much that they no longer need, and that Za Boo needed for longer, but no longer needs at the age she is now. I am as tired, cranky and exhausted some days as I was when I had two boys under three and was emotionally responsible for three people, rather than just myself.
I guess that's the thing that many people don't understand; it's hard to do this not because she is a teenager now, but because she is a toddler now, and a teenager at the same time.
I have a friend who is having a hard time adjusting to the changes in our family; she is, in a word, jealous. I didn't recognize it right away, and couldn't articulate it well after I realized it initially, but she is, basically, jealous of the time parenting The Raven takes away from time she and I had been spending together, before The Raven became a part of our family. We were both at the place where certain aspects of parenting were becoming less hands on, the kids were working on being more independent, and our ability to be "grown-ups" more often had expanded. With the addition of Raven to our family that has definitely changed.
I remember being loathe to leave the boys, and later Za Boo, when they were fairly small, and still very dependent. They just needed ME to be around, at home, available, because they MIGHT need me. I remember the first time I went to Jury Duty, when Za Boo was old enough to have stopped nursing (I had requested, and received, a postponement a number of times, because I always seemed to be called right after having one of the kids!), and the kids were beside themselves with concern about how things would work without me. Not that they didn't trust their Papa to handle things, but there were certain things that I did, and they could not comprehend how the Papa would figure them out: "Will Papa know where the lunch is?" asked Za Boo, "Will he know how I eat my sandwich?" "Will he know how to pick us up from school?" Monkey Boy needed to know, "Did you tell Papa what time school is out? Will he forget to come get Monkey Boy and me, because he is used to being at work all day?" Ender worried.
They just needed ME, because I was the one who was always there, I was the one who KNEW all the things they needed to be sure were known. They were dependent on me for their emotional grounding, and, despite having now grown to a place where they are very capable of being responsible for their own emotional grounding, they will often still need that from me. However, it is no longer a constant need, and it is no longer an absolute hindrance, or something that may cause a state near panic, when I am not immediately available for such; in fact, I have seen the Boys, being the older of the three I have raised since birth, make a choice to find their emotional grounding inside themselves at times, because they have matured to that degree.
Which is a place where The Raven will, now that she has the opportunity, eventually be able to grow to as well, but is not, at this point, ready to do. Or even, really, capable of doing. No one ever did it for her when she needed it before now; there was no emotional ground that was safe, secure, and unconditionally available to her. She is working through a phase now that a large number of children go through in toddlerhood--discovering that there is an unconditional safety net, testing the net, and then trying their wings out OVER said net, in order to experiment safely. And, then, eventually, venturing out past the net, but always knowing that it is there, to return to, if you need it.
Right now she is like a toddler, needing that constant reassuring presence of an emotionally grounded safety net, and not being ready, willing, or able, to begin venturing out over it quite yet.
I guess that's the thing that many people don't understand; it's hard to do this not because she is a teenager now, but because she is a toddler now, and a teenager at the same time.
I have a friend who is having a hard time adjusting to the changes in our family; she is, in a word, jealous. I didn't recognize it right away, and couldn't articulate it well after I realized it initially, but she is, basically, jealous of the time parenting The Raven takes away from time she and I had been spending together, before The Raven became a part of our family. We were both at the place where certain aspects of parenting were becoming less hands on, the kids were working on being more independent, and our ability to be "grown-ups" more often had expanded. With the addition of Raven to our family that has definitely changed.
I remember being loathe to leave the boys, and later Za Boo, when they were fairly small, and still very dependent. They just needed ME to be around, at home, available, because they MIGHT need me. I remember the first time I went to Jury Duty, when Za Boo was old enough to have stopped nursing (I had requested, and received, a postponement a number of times, because I always seemed to be called right after having one of the kids!), and the kids were beside themselves with concern about how things would work without me. Not that they didn't trust their Papa to handle things, but there were certain things that I did, and they could not comprehend how the Papa would figure them out: "Will Papa know where the lunch is?" asked Za Boo, "Will he know how I eat my sandwich?" "Will he know how to pick us up from school?" Monkey Boy needed to know, "Did you tell Papa what time school is out? Will he forget to come get Monkey Boy and me, because he is used to being at work all day?" Ender worried.
They just needed ME, because I was the one who was always there, I was the one who KNEW all the things they needed to be sure were known. They were dependent on me for their emotional grounding, and, despite having now grown to a place where they are very capable of being responsible for their own emotional grounding, they will often still need that from me. However, it is no longer a constant need, and it is no longer an absolute hindrance, or something that may cause a state near panic, when I am not immediately available for such; in fact, I have seen the Boys, being the older of the three I have raised since birth, make a choice to find their emotional grounding inside themselves at times, because they have matured to that degree.
Which is a place where The Raven will, now that she has the opportunity, eventually be able to grow to as well, but is not, at this point, ready to do. Or even, really, capable of doing. No one ever did it for her when she needed it before now; there was no emotional ground that was safe, secure, and unconditionally available to her. She is working through a phase now that a large number of children go through in toddlerhood--discovering that there is an unconditional safety net, testing the net, and then trying their wings out OVER said net, in order to experiment safely. And, then, eventually, venturing out past the net, but always knowing that it is there, to return to, if you need it.
Right now she is like a toddler, needing that constant reassuring presence of an emotionally grounded safety net, and not being ready, willing, or able, to begin venturing out over it quite yet.
Monday, April 13, 2009
World of Teenagers: Quote of the Week
"After this I am NEVER doing another load of laundry again for the rest of my life!" --Ender, upon being asked to help sort his dirty clothes in order to wash them.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Weapons vs The Bible
We have been very careful about our children's education. When Ender started Kindergarten eight years ago, we signed-away four hours a week "parent volunteer time" in his classroom and understood that that was only the 'official' commitment. The nature of the school is a Parent Co-op, and the 'unofficial' hours we were giving -up were significantly more. We were happy to be a part of his education in a hands-on way, and knew when we signed-up that we would also eventually be giving up an additional four 'official' hours a week in Monkey Boy's classroom. Ultimately, we knew, there would come a time when Za Boo's place in the school would require the same hourly commitment, and we even recognized that as the 'official' hours increased via simple multiplication from one-times-four to three-times- four, the 'unofficial' hours would multiply exponentially.
And we were, and really still are, okay with that commitment. We are so involved in their education, in fact, that we have given up the last three years of our personal life in order to help bring the school back from the brink of closure, rather than consider placing them in a school that would not allow us the opportunity to be involved.
Parents who are, perhaps, inordinately dedicated to their children's education, no?
We have worked our asses off to be accurate and thorough in all that we teach them. We have made Herculean efforts be sure they are well rounded. We have covered subjects from archeology to paleontology to taxonomy and crypto-zoology. We have discussed the circle of life, quantum-physics, world history, art, theatre, science, music, books, manga, anime, role-playing, movies and movie making, the various lore of a variety of mythological creatures and how it varies around the world, gender stereotypes and the dichotomy created by the perpetual use of them, NASA, the military, the debatable worth of organized religion, prejudice and bias and why they exist, how they exist and what we need to do to overcome them in our world, and ever so much more. We have encouraged independent thinking and analytical analysis, logic and a hands-on approach.
Whatever they have wanted to learn, their wish has been our command, and if we didn't know it, and they wanted to understand, we learned it and then taught it to them. We still do, on a daily basis.
But, apparently, we have missed a thing or two. Apparently there are holes in their education, and despite all our best efforts at raising well-rounded, independent thinking, intellectually balanced children, we missed at least one thing.
It came to my attention today when Raven, Ender, and Monkey Boy were watching 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure,' all of them seeing it for the first time. Although Monkey Boy and Ender were naming every Medieval weapon that showed up on screen accurately, and, in fact, correcting a misnomer within the script about one of the weapons used in the movie, Monkey Boy didn't get the joke when Ted answered the question "Who is Joan of Arc?' by saying "Noah's wife?"
Hmm, I guess basic Bible stories are going to be next on the agenda.
And we were, and really still are, okay with that commitment. We are so involved in their education, in fact, that we have given up the last three years of our personal life in order to help bring the school back from the brink of closure, rather than consider placing them in a school that would not allow us the opportunity to be involved.
Parents who are, perhaps, inordinately dedicated to their children's education, no?
We have worked our asses off to be accurate and thorough in all that we teach them. We have made Herculean efforts be sure they are well rounded. We have covered subjects from archeology to paleontology to taxonomy and crypto-zoology. We have discussed the circle of life, quantum-physics, world history, art, theatre, science, music, books, manga, anime, role-playing, movies and movie making, the various lore of a variety of mythological creatures and how it varies around the world, gender stereotypes and the dichotomy created by the perpetual use of them, NASA, the military, the debatable worth of organized religion, prejudice and bias and why they exist, how they exist and what we need to do to overcome them in our world, and ever so much more. We have encouraged independent thinking and analytical analysis, logic and a hands-on approach.
Whatever they have wanted to learn, their wish has been our command, and if we didn't know it, and they wanted to understand, we learned it and then taught it to them. We still do, on a daily basis.
But, apparently, we have missed a thing or two. Apparently there are holes in their education, and despite all our best efforts at raising well-rounded, independent thinking, intellectually balanced children, we missed at least one thing.
It came to my attention today when Raven, Ender, and Monkey Boy were watching 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure,' all of them seeing it for the first time. Although Monkey Boy and Ender were naming every Medieval weapon that showed up on screen accurately, and, in fact, correcting a misnomer within the script about one of the weapons used in the movie, Monkey Boy didn't get the joke when Ted answered the question "Who is Joan of Arc?' by saying "Noah's wife?"
Hmm, I guess basic Bible stories are going to be next on the agenda.
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