So, inspired (as always) by my friend Fawndear and her current de-cluttering/purging/organizing adventure, AND sick to the teeth of a mess that currently consumes a particular room in our home, making it largely unusable, AND realizing that in order to feel less crowded in the house we need to GET RID OF UNNECESSARY STUFF, I have decided the time has come for me to clean out, purge and organize the home office once and for all. Although I have always been a rather organized person (and a neat-nick!), I have never been able to keep the creative space in our home organized. Everywhere else in the house could look like a room out of a magazine (although, despite my intentions, it rarely did for more than a day at a time), but walking into the creative space in the house was like walking into another house entirely. Realistically, though, it's not even accurate to say "walking" into the room was like walking into another house, because it, at any given point in its history, has been more of a climb, scramble, hop, jump, or even just a look, into another house, after which you walk away, because you cannot stand to be there.
And that is a huge part of the problem, of course, because I cannot stand to be in it, because it is such a devastatingly overwhelming mess, and, therefore, never actually clean/purge/organize it, it just gets worse, and worse, and worse, ad infinitum.

I started tonight.

Amazing Husband and the Boys had 'the gang' over for D&D, the girls were variously occupied with watching movies and whatever, MIL went out with a friend, and I tackled The Room Formerly Known As The Office. I had lately christened it The Room Of Shame, but, after tonight, it will, hopefully, become The Organized And Inspiring All Purpose Creativity Room in the near, near future.

I have had an extraordinarily significant epiphany through reading about Fawndear's journey: I am a Hoarder.

Whew, it took a lot out of me to write that "out loud."

I would never have categorized myself as a hoarder, I don't fit the archetype. I have always been organized; a place for everything, and everything in its place. I have helped friends with organizing, and been offered a job as a professional organizer on many occasions. However, the fact remains, I Am A Hoarder.

How do I know? Well, the signs are all there, once you know what to look for: nearly everything that is in the way in The Room Of Shame is mine. Not the kids, not Amazing Husband's, not MIL's, MINE. AND, I have a very valid, reasonable and convincing argument for every tiny bit of it. And nearly all of those arguments come down to one of three basic points: one: I MIGHT need it someday, I HAVE A PLAN to use/make/work on it some day, or I am EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to it.

So.

I have started my adventure. I believe my journey will be more challenging than I want to believe, and I do anticipate that the road will be long and hard. But I am determined, and I will NOT give up.

I am, as Amazing Husband is fond of saying, going to eat the elephant one bite at a time, this time. I have always tried to stuff the whole darn elephant in at once in the past, and I am sure that has not helped.

I am going to celebrate the steps along the way this time, as well. I have a tendency to look at all that I did NOT get done, rather than recognizing the progress I make along the way--and, sadly, that is true in all aspects of my life--so I am going to take yet another inspiration from Fawndear's blog, and stop to revel in joy of accomplishment as I go!

And, to that end, I have pictures of my (tiny but significant) accomplishments of the night.

I was able to let go of this 17-year-old box:



Which has housed my scrapbook items from high school and college drama since shortly after Amazing Husband and I received a lovely engagement gift in it, 17 years ago. I could not part with those items. I haven't come that far, and, to be fair, a genuine goal of the future Organized And Inspiring All Purpose Room IS to be able to create things like a scrapbook of all the drama productions I was involved in, in high school and college, and having never achieved a space in which to work on such projects, I do not feel that I can, in good conscience, let go of that project, until I have actually had a space in which to attempt it. If it sits in a space in which I could perfectly well work on it, and don't, for the next 17 years, well, then, clearly it wasn't that important to me after all.

I have relocated those keepsakes to a large and sturdy Victoria's Secret Bag, and I believe they fit quite well in it. They are readily organized, handy, and easily accessible now.



It's a tiny bit of progress, but, off I go!

Pondering the emotional needs of toddlers and teenagers...

I am finding that parenting The Raven now is in many ways very much like parenting the boys when they were small. She needs so much that they no longer need, and that Za Boo needed for longer, but no longer needs at the age she is now. I am as tired, cranky and exhausted some days as I was when I had two boys under three and was emotionally responsible for three people, rather than just myself.

I guess that's the thing that many people don't understand; it's hard to do this not because she is a teenager now, but because she is a toddler now, and a teenager at the same time.

I have a friend who is having a hard time adjusting to the changes in our family; she is, in a word, jealous. I didn't recognize it right away, and couldn't articulate it well after I realized it initially, but she is, basically, jealous of the time parenting The Raven takes away from time she and I had been spending together, before The Raven became a part of our family. We were both at the place where certain aspects of parenting were becoming less hands on, the kids were working on being more independent, and our ability to be "grown-ups" more often had expanded. With the addition of Raven to our family that has definitely changed.

I remember being loathe to leave the boys, and later Za Boo, when they were fairly small, and still very dependent. They just needed ME to be around, at home, available, because they MIGHT need me. I remember the first time I went to Jury Duty, when Za Boo was old enough to have stopped nursing (I had requested, and received, a postponement a number of times, because I always seemed to be called right after having one of the kids!), and the kids were beside themselves with concern about how things would work without me. Not that they didn't trust their Papa to handle things, but there were certain things that I did, and they could not comprehend how the Papa would figure them out: "Will Papa know where the lunch is?" asked Za Boo, "Will he know how I eat my sandwich?" "Will he know how to pick us up from school?" Monkey Boy needed to know, "Did you tell Papa what time school is out? Will he forget to come get Monkey Boy and me, because he is used to being at work all day?" Ender worried.
They just needed ME, because I was the one who was always there, I was the one who KNEW all the things they needed to be sure were known. They were dependent on me for their emotional grounding, and, despite having now grown to a place where they are very capable of being responsible for their own emotional grounding, they will often still need that from me. However, it is no longer a constant need, and it is no longer an absolute hindrance, or something that may cause a state near panic, when I am not immediately available for such; in fact, I have seen the Boys, being the older of the three I have raised since birth, make a choice to find their emotional grounding inside themselves at times, because they have matured to that degree.
Which is a place where The Raven will, now that she has the opportunity, eventually be able to grow to as well, but is not, at this point, ready to do. Or even, really, capable of doing. No one ever did it for her when she needed it before now; there was no emotional ground that was safe, secure, and unconditionally available to her. She is working through a phase now that a large number of children go through in toddlerhood--discovering that there is an unconditional safety net, testing the net, and then trying their wings out OVER said net, in order to experiment safely. And, then, eventually, venturing out past the net, but always knowing that it is there, to return to, if you need it.
Right now she is like a toddler, needing that constant reassuring presence of an emotionally grounded safety net, and not being ready, willing, or able, to begin venturing out over it quite yet.

The Train Trip - Day 6

Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Well, we had our first rough day today. We had planned to get up and swim for awhile, and then go back to Golden Gate Park to hit the Japanese Tea Garden & Shakespeare's Garden, which we missed yesterday because the museum was so utterly engaging, and be back by five to meet Uncle Buddy for dinner. But we overslept, again, and got to the pool about an hour and a half after we had been planning to be there. Raven stayed in the room and slept, and by the time we got back to the room and then back out the door to head for the park, we were running nearly three hours behind the plan. We made it to the park by three, but we got off at the wrong stop--about 4 stops early--and had to walk through the park to get to the Gardens we were planning to visit, which wouldn't have been sooo bad, except that it was particularly cold today, we were wearing shorts, and everybody had low blood-sugar because we got up so late that we skipped breakfast in order to try and get to the Park earlier.
We saw the Conservatory of Flowers on the way, and I was able to take a few pictures with Za Boo's camera, but unfortunately, we were too cold to really appreciate it. They were advertising the carnivorous plant exhibit there as well, but we had neither the time nor the money to visit it, unfortunately.
We had what would otherwise have been a nice stroll through the park, though, on our way to find the Gardens of our focus.
When we came to the Japanese Tea Garden it was adjacent to the park amphitheater, and we settled for a picture of the kids on the amphitheater stage, although we would have enjoyed the chance to see a performance there.
Just outside the Japanese Tea Garden was a Waffle stand, and we were hungry, but were waiting to eat at the restaurant inside the Tea Garden.
Well, at this point the boys were cold, the girls and I were freezing, all of us were hungry, and cranky because of it, and I had sprained my toe when we were getting off the bus, so when it turned out that the Japanese Tea Garden now charges for admission (either it didn't when I went there years ago, or no one told me we had had to pay to get in), we almost didn't go in.
However, I have had my heart set on sharing the Japanese Tea Garden with the kids since the beginning of the PLANNING of the trip, so I made a quick decision, ponied up the funds, and in we did ultimately go!
And, in the end, everyone had a good time!
We had hot cocoa and fortune cookies in the Tea House (they were out of nearly EVERYTHING we wanted to order to actually eat), and cheered when we heard (via text from Amazing Husband) that Prop 8 was overturned today!
We had waffles from the Waffle Cart on the way out of the Tea Garden, and they were delicious! We caught the bus back to the hotel (and it didn't break down this time!) and arrived with enough time to get warmed up and changed for dinner by the time Uncle Buddy arrived.
We headed out to find 'The Stinking Rose" (They season their garlic with food!), and had the opportunity to explore Little Italy, and, inadvertently, the red light district on the way. We had an amazing and delectable dinner--Ender, Monkey Boy & Za Boo ate 'Vampire Fare' (minimal garlic), while Uncle Buddy, Raven and I all indulged in the full menu of the pungent house specialty. It was delicious!
We went to a chocolate, gelato and candy specialty shop across the way for a fitting dessert (Courtesy of Uncle Buddy).
We had taken the bus to little Italy (well, actually we had taken the bus to the end of Chinatown, and walked into Little Italy from there, which is how we ended up on our inadvertent tour of the red light district), and we walked back to the hotel through the dark and quiet business buildings, which was an adventure all in itself. Za Boo LOVED being in the business area of town! Uncle Buddy lived in the city for a number of years, so he had all kinds of information and trivia that we enjoyed hearing.
We visited for a bit back at the hotel, and The Papa was able to talk to Uncle Buddy on the phone and catch up.
We are headed to bed now, because we have to be up early to check out, and we are off to Vallejo via the Ferry tomorrow! Happy dreaming!

The Train Trip - Day 4

So, we SERIOUSLY overslept today-- 1PM in the afternoon overslept!--and we got up and around rather slow, so we didn't get going until nearly three! But, we were planning on Chinatown for the day, and luckily it was just a few (relatively) short blocks away, so we were able to spend enough time there to enjoy our visit, have enough time to stop off for dinner, and have a swim back at the hotel before an (un)reasonable bedtime (unreasonable as in 1AM unreasonable!). Well, perhaps not unreasonable on a vacation, but definitely unreasonable when we are planning an early morning the next day!
We had lunch at a combination of a street-side hot dog vendor (hot dog for Za Boo, soft pretzel for Monkey Boy) and a lunch stand at the Station-The Cable Car Cafe- which was made out of a cable car-(really good sandwiches for Ender, Raven and I). After lunch we walked to Chinatown, where we bought a large number of Xmas gifts and a few souvenirs. We had dinner at a fun 50's diner called Lori's, which we has noticed the day before. Decent burger, good fries, great shakes, neat decor, retro-atmosphere, all good. We were able to get a couple of 49ers gifts for Trina and Ben--actually from SF!--and a little Steelers something for The Papa, at a tiny little sports shop we caught on the way back.
Raven stayed in the room and took a hot bath, and the rest of us went for a bit of a swim. We all headed back to the room, where Raven had just finished her bath, and settled in to bed and watched a movie. And now, g'night!

The Train Trip - Day 3

Today was all about Fisherman's Wharf, and, the holy grail, Ghirardelli Square! Having decided to surprise them as a plan with Papa, I woke the girls a bit early, and took the three of us for manicures at the in-house Salon: "Bliss". After our nails were done (and Natalie, one of our delightful attendants, had fixed the one I jacked up while trying to pay!), we headed back to our room, and woke up the Boys. We were a bit slow to get moving, and there were a couple of cranky incidents, but we got out the door reasonably early, and headed for the Visitor's Center. We stopped on the way for a hot drink and a dab of free Wi-Fi at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, and then found the street vendor we had missed the day before, and bought Raven's kitty hat. We hit the Visitor's Center next, and found EVERYTHING we need to navigate the City during our stay here! Maps, guidebooks, schedules, and all of it complimentary! We are digging SF!!! I was able to purchase transportation passes good for unlimited use on all public transportation options (bus, subway, cable cars, and trolleys) for the entire time we are here.
Getting on a trolley to head down to Fisherman's Wharf proved a bit tricky at first, it's pretty dog-eat-dog when it comes to--literally--grabbing a spot on one, and we missed two while figuring out the local system. Third time's the charm, though, and we elbowed and pushed our way on to the third one successfully.
Riding the trolley was interesting, uncomfortable, and kind-of laborious, frankly. We got where we were headed ultimately, though, and that was the goal!
We meandered through the vendors and shops, and looked into the tourist-y tours and attractions (way too expensive for this trip, unfortunately) and finally made it to Fisherman's Wharf, proper, after an hour or so.
Sadly, the Wharf was a bit anti-climactic for the kids. It smells of fish, is very crowded, is all about seafood (no one eats fish but me), and is VERY expensive. We did see the Ripley's Believe It Or Not, and we all were fascinated by the amazing people and feats preserved there, but the Holy Grail of Ghirardelli awaited, and was what got them through a VERY chill and windy walk along the Wharf to The Square.
Ghirardelli was everything everyone hoped it would be, and delivered on it's promise of chocolate beyond the dreams of all the kids! We purchased delectable treats to take home, and set out looking for a nice= sit-down restaurant for dinner. I had hoped to enjoy sundaes at Ghirardelli Square as part of our visit, but it was just too cold this time around. We may try to go back before we leave, we'll see.
We found a place to eat called "The Pub BBQ at Ghirardelli Square" and had an absolutely DELICIOUS meal. Full and happy we headed back to the trolley stop, and waited-semi-patiently for a trolley to get a back to the hotel. The boys were able to achieve their goal of riding on the outside of the Trolley car--holding on like an old Rice-A-Roni commercial--all the way to the hotel!
We picked up a couple of movies at the Welcome Desk on our way back up to our room, and then settled in to watch a movie and eat Ghirardelli chocolate before bed! Goodnight!